Cuddle Patches prototype

For outside of the box

Front and back and top:

Latex free

Latex free

Latex free

10 – 10 ICUs
10 – 5 ICUs
20 – 1 ICU

Side #1:

Active ingredients:
Oxytocin, vasopressin, assorted whoremoans and fairymoans

Inactive ingredients:
Pulverized denatured snuggling particles, partially hydrogenated warm fuzzies

Allergens: Processed in a facility that also manufactures Kiss Patches and Sex Patches.  May contain traces of this or that, such and such, and whatnot.


Side #2:

✔ Greatly reduces or eliminates the need for human affection.

✔ Proven effective in 100% of test subjects that we didn’t exclude from our research for bogus reasons.

✔ Improved formula contains non-corrosive adhesive that leaves skin relatively intact.

Store between 63.5 ° F and 63.75 ° F.  Failure to not store product improperly dis-uninvalidates warrantee.


Indications: Cuddle Patches are approved for use in the treatment of acute episodes of Insufficient Cuddling Syndrome (ICS).  Do not use Cuddle Patches unless you have been diagnosed with ICS by a physician or licensed cuddleologist.

1. Calculate dosage: (Stress level [rated on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the most stress] x number of days since last cuddle or patch application) / duration of last cuddle (1 point for each 15-minute increment) or cuddling units used during last patch application. Round result up to whole unit. 

If you have not previously had a cuddle nor applied Cuddle Patches™, start with 10 ICU’s.

Scenario:  Sue feels the need for some cuddle patch therapy after a long, stressful day.  This morning, the Oprah show was interrupted by an irritating news report about a few thousand unimportant people halfway around the world who died in a landslide or something.  This afternoon, the woman at the salon applied a pinker shade of nail polish than Sue was used to.  And when her kids came home from school, they wanted her to “play with them”, “help with homework” and even “make them dinner”.  The last straw was when, just as she was settling in to watch Fashion Police, her husband wanted her to drive him to the ER to “reattach his finger”. 

But even after a day filled with disappointments and the unreasonable demands of her family, Sue tries to “stay positive”, and reduces her stress by acknowledging that the blood will be easy to clean up since it spilled on the garage floor rather than the nice new carpet.  She also notices that her nails haven’t chipped yet, and admits that the color is growing on her.  Therefore, she rates her stress level as a 7. 

Sue’s last therapy consisted of one 5-ICU patch 4 days
ago.  So the dosage she requires now is calculated as: (Stress level of 7 x 4 days since last therapy) / 5 units used during last therapy.  The result is 5.6, which
rounds up to 6.  These 6 International Cuddling Units (ICU’s) can be obtained by using a single 5-ICU patch and a single 1-ICU patch.

2. Open box and remove required number of patches. For each patch, peel off backing.  Place patch, adhesive side towards your skin, in an unobtrusive area such as behind the knee, on the bottom of the foot, or in the middle of the forehead.

3. Patch(es) must be removed in 24 hours. If you have difficulty removing a patch, soak a wash cloth with warm water and place over patch for several minutes to loosen. If that fails, apply rabid weasels to the affected area. Or maybe meerkats would work better.  We’re not sure.  It’s just a suggestion. Try each and let us know.

Contraindications: Not safe for pregnant women, men who have impregnated any currently-pregnant women, or fetuses who think their mothers might be pregnant. Consult your physician about use in children and the elderly, and then ignore his or her advice and do what you were going to do anyway. 

Precautions: While using Cuddle Patches, avoid operating heavy machinery, voting Republican, or reading news articles about oil spills that will make you cry and regret being human. Actually you shouldn’t do that whether you’re on the patch or not, because you’re a sensitive fool and you can’t handle it.

In case of overdose: Over-cuddlification can cause life-threatening side effects such as catatonic seizure, malaria, stinky feet, and the plague.  Do NOT use Cuddle Patches more than 24 hours a day.


  1. I am in desperate need of one of these. Please send me information on how to order. Money is no object. Please help me.

  2. You get more than enough "cuddling" with your cigars on Epstein's Lolita Express.