Loser B Gone prototype

Loser B Gone


You must purchase and use extension rope for your Loser B Gone noose.  To determine how much extra rope you need:

1.      Divide the number of times you have failed in your life (round up to the nearest hundred) by your weight in pounds.
2.      To obtain your basic drop distance in inches, multiply the result from step 1 by the number of letters in the name of the last person who broke your heart.
3.      Subtract 12 (the number of inches of rope in Loser B Gone) from the result from step 2.
4.      If you come up with a negative number, shoot yourself instead.  You can’t even follow directions or do math.

Ensure that the extension rope you buy has sufficient tensile strength.  Look for Suicide Grade on the label.  Do not purchase Insincere Threat grade in an effort to save money, as the rope may break.

Once you have your extension rope, tie it on to the Loser B Gone noose.  Use our negative affirmations if you need any extra motivation to do what needs to be done. 

Happy hanging!


Customers sometimes find that their resolve wavers at the last moment.  The creators of Loser B Gone have therefore compiled a list of affirmations that will help reinforce the idea that the customer is making the right choice by killing him or herself.

1. There are 7 billion people in the world (maybe 8 billion by the time you read this).  One death--or even a thousand at once--doesn't mean a thing.  Go ahead, your loss won't be noticed.

2. Aging is an excruciating downhill slide.  Whatever problems you have now, they're just going to get worse. That ache in your joints when you get up?  It will progress until eventually you need a cane or a wheelchair to get around.  That difficulty you've been having remembering names?  Someday you'll mistake your grandchildren for ficus trees.  Those little lines you've been noticing around your mouth?  Imagine how you'll feel when your entire face looks like parchment paper.  Can't eat the treats you used to without suffering acid reflux or upset stomach?  We're here to tell you that there’s a lot of gruel and mush in your future, and no pizza at all.  And any financial problems you've been having, imagine how much worse they will be when you can't work, have to spend half of your money on pills and potions to keep you from falling apart, and must live in a nursing home or in your childrens' basement, dodging the glares of resentment whenever you venture upstairs.

It's better for your dignity to go now.

3. You're going to die anyway, eventually.  Life itself is terminal.   Why not take control of when, where, and in what manner you die?  Your death from natural causes is likely to be much more drawn-out, painful, and humiliating than a quick death by hanging.  Consider:  1 in 4 people die from cancer.  Most of these people spend weeks, months, or even years in and out of the hospital, gradually losing control over their bodily functions, putting their friends and family through hell (if they are lucky enough to HAVE friends and family who care), losing their dignity, hope, and life savings bit by painful bit.  And cancer is just one of the many terminal illnesses you may get if you stick around.  With Loser B Gone, you can assure that you die while you are still capable of wiping your own ass.

4. If you were the strong, self-sufficient person that you wish you could be, you wouldn't need to PAY someone to tell you how to off yourself.  The fact that you purchased Loser B Gone, alone, proves that you should use it.

5. Remember all those dreams you had when you were younger?  Visions of fame and fortune, love and happiness? How’d all that work out for you? Now instead of dreams, you have endless excuses for why things haven’t turned out better.  Your lack of self-realization might be defensible if you were still young.  But how old are you again?  Jesus.  If it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to, bub!

6. People are mostly selfish, self-centered, self-righteous, hypocritical, dishonest, petty, jealous little monsters. You're a person.  So, likely this describes you.  And if you think it doesn't, that just means we can add "arrogant and self-deluded" to your list of descriptive adjectives.  

7. Remember that incredibly embarrassing thing that happened in high school that you've spent the rest of your life repressing?  Allow yourself to think about it now.  Yeah.  It was that bad. You should have killed yourself back then, but better late than never.

8. People are sick of hearing you whine. Be honest, you are sick of hearing yourself whine in your own head.  Brighten someone's day and remove your whine from the world.

9. It's called "committing" suicide.  One doesn't dabble in suicide.  You can't test drive it, or audit it.  This might be the first real commitment you've made in your sad little avoidant life.

10. You should kill yourself because it's an unpredictable act.  Even when someone's life was unbearably shitty, people almost never actually expect that person to commit suicide.  And in a world composed almost entirely of predictable things (such as 10-item lists), the unpredictable is sorely needed.  This may be the most noteworthy thing you ever do.  You'll certainly get more attention and consideration after the act than you would if you continued living out your predictably excruciating existence. 


Customers of Loser B Gone tend to be, among many other negative traits, very uncreative, and often cannot think of an appropriate place to hang themselves.  After months of pestering, we decided to include tie-off suggestions in the package.  Our suggestions require that you identify why you are killing yourself, and in particular who or what you blame for it.

If you blame your ex for dumping you for another man/woman

Your inclination will probably be to hang yourself where your ex will find you.  You're probably hoping that s/he will regret leaving you for another and causing you such agony that you saw no other way out of it than to kill yourself.

This line of thinking is delusional.  Your ex doesn't care about you, or s/he wouldn't have left you in the first place. 

No, what you want to do is get your ex dumped.  Hang yourself in a place you know you will be found by your ex’s new flame, and enhance your corpse with a selection of props such as these:
·         Pamphlet from a local health clinic, titled "What to do after you've been diagnosed with [incurable STD of your choice]", sticking out of your breast pocket. At the top or in the margins, write a short list of names.  Cross each of the names out except the name of your ex. 
·         Pin a suicide note to the outside of your clothing, in a prominent place.  The note should lay the blame for your suicide at the ex's feet, but use the wrong name to refer to the new squeeze.  Include incorrect details about the new lover's car, appearance, job, etc.  Close with, "I know you've had a problem with fidelity in the past, but I truly hope you make it stick with Hector/Hermione".

If you blame your slave-driver of a boss:

Don't bother hanging yourself in your boss's office, thinking it will traumatize him or her.  Your boss undervalues your work, underpays you, and barely even notices you're there.  Do you think that will change just because you're a corpse?  No.  Better to damage something the boss really cares about, such as:
·         Her car.  Wait until she's parked underneath a tree in the company lot or in her driveway at home, and then hang yourself from the tallest sturdy limb of that tree, using the decapitation method of hanging so that your lifeless body crashes down onto her E-class or M-class or whatever status symbol car she drives that cost more than your yearly salary.  You may even get lucky and have some of your bodily fluids leak into the car and stain the upholstery.
·         His golf game.  Hang yourself at the local country club golf course at sunrise.  The course will likely be shut down for at least a few hours, causing your boss to miss his morning golf game.  That may be the biggest impact you could ever have on his life.
·         His reputation.  Write a suicide note and pin it to your lapel along with a picture of your boss.  Write a last will and testament bequeathing him "that frilly pair of underwear you loved to see me in".

If you blame your abusive parent(s) but they are deceased:

Find a set of parents who are abusing their child(ren).  You can easily find them in grocery stores, restaurants, libraries, and movie theaters hitting their children, yelling at their children, and making their children wear unfashionable clothing that nobody else in their class at school wears, thus setting them up for endless social ostracism.  Hang yourself on any handy nearby object, wearing a t-shirt that says "This will be your child in 20 years if you don't do a better job of raising him/her".

If you have siblings, the back of your t-shirt should read "One down, 2 to go"--or however many living siblings you have.

If you blame your abusive parent(s) and one or both of the offenders are still alive:

Why are you planning to kill yourself?

If you blame society/humanity as a whole:

You want the maximum number of people to see you kick the bucket, and you don't particularly care who they are.  How about a sports arena at halftime, during a very popular televised match?  Football goals in particular make excellent gallows.  You may need some creativity to get past security and onto the field.  One idea is to dress up as the home team's mascot (just make sure to leave a patch of bare skin between the body suit and the head), and wait until the real mascot is out of sight of the cameras.  People will assume that your climbing and jumping from the goal post is all part of the mascot's zany, fun-loving antics--until it's too late. 

If you blame the abusive peers from your childhood:

Use the high diving board of the local public swimming pool on the first day of grade school summer vacation.  Give those little brats a taste of the type of horror YOU had to go through when you were their age!

Or, when the ice cream truck comes to your neighborhood, climb up the tree or telephone pole nearest where the truck is parked, securing the end of your Loser B Gone to a sturdy limb or crossbar, and placing the noose end around your neck.  Wait until all the little kiddies have come out from their homes to buy ice cream, and then jump off, loudly singing along with the ice cream truck music on the way down.  Ha ha!  You've ruined a summertime ritual forever! 

If you blame money problems:

We're not surprised you are having financial difficulties, given your decision to spend $19.99 for a noose in a box.  You probably pissed away all your money in a similar fashion.  Hang yourself in a remote area of the wilderness, so that your flesh will be consumed by birds of prey, and your bones scattered, and no one will have to pay for your coffin or funeral.

If you blame yourself

Uh.  Well, we've never actually heard of a customer who blamed themselves for their problems, so we didn't come up with anything for this section.  Sorry.  The fact that you're even reading this suggests that there may be hope for you...

Nah.  You’re too realistic and honest to be happy in this world.


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