Saturday, August 13, 2011

Officials Shocked, Saddened by New Statistic

The Febreze huffing (or "fuffing") epidemic, which has been raging in the US for nearly a year now, has taken a new and chilling turn:  Public health officials have recently noted a sharp rise in the number of babies born addicted to F.

Citing this new development, the Surgeon General today issued a warning, to be placed on all Febreze canisters: "Fuffing by pregnant women may result in fetal injury, premature birth, and a life-long preference for pastel colors."



Many states are considering placing heavy taxes on the sale of Febreze, with profits going towards all-expenses-paid addiction conferences in Hawaii for state employees.

Some states have also begun issuing ration cards for Febreze, with the number of allotted canisters per month varying based upon family size, house size, and amount of bribe given to officials.

Those who are not addicted can sell their F rations on the black market. There is also a thriving trade in counterfeit rations.

The populations of states with rations are decreasing at a rapid rate, while neighboring states without rations are seeing their populations increase.  Some states, such as California, appear to have issued ration cards as a way to decrease their excess population.

What to tell your children about F:
* If you don't try it, you can't get addicted to it
* If anyone offers you F, scream "NO!" and run away.  Then tell me exactly who offered it to you, where they were at the time, and how much they charge
* Do as mommy says, not as mommy does

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