Friday, July 29, 2011

About to kick the bucket?  Or know someone who is?

Then you (or they) have some difficult decisions to make. In addition to creating a living will and divvying up your estate so your children don’t fight over the furniture when you're gone, you need to decide what to do with your human remains: Burial, cremation, or transmogrification? 

With overcrowded cemeteries, space is at a premium, and grave plots can run in the tens of thousands of dollars.  If you opt for cremation, who knows if the ashes your relatives get back are even yours (what if a Republican is mixed in?).  In light of these drawbacks, why not consider transmogrification?  Technology has advanced greatly in recent years, and client souls are successfully reincarnated into their chosen bodily forms 98.7% of the time.

Many people are curious about the soul extraction and embodiment methods we use.  But as we are sure you understand, the technology is proprietary.  Rest assured however that we will treat your human remains in a respectful and hygienic manner.

Other people ask why we don't offer the option of transmogrifying into another human being.  This is because we have found that removed souls refuse to be incarnated back into human form, because people suckand we don’t mean that in the sexy way.

Once you have made the important decision to transmogrify, you must choose what animal to become.  If you are a personage of class, refinement, and erudition (and sizable bank account), you may elect to return as an animal befitting your station in life, like a sleek jaguar, majestic bald eagle, or great white shark.  If you are a broke-ass motherfucker, you may have to become a cockroach or a dirty city pigeon.  Either way, it’s better than being a human.  And you can hold your head high—or wave your antennae proudly in the air—knowing that you are no longer a piece of shit human being destroying the delicate balance of the ecosystem.

Recycling is good for the environment.  Recycle your soul with us.

Brought to you by TCTEMPTBPITNL (the coalition to encourage more people to become parrots in their next lifetime).


  1. sea otter or platypus

  2. We recommend sea otter. You may not be aware of this, but most platypuses are plagued with low self-esteem.

  3. I concur with Cynthia, Edgar. I was messing with the prototype and had accidentally set the dial to "Platypus." I figured it had to be better than the previous setting "Plate of Puss." How wrong I was. Damn. I just can't do anything right! Jeez, I'm stupid.