Friday, July 29, 2011

About to kick the bucket?  Or know someone who is?

Then you (or they) have some difficult decisions to make. In addition to creating a living will and divvying up your estate so your children don’t fight over the furniture when you're gone, you need to decide what to do with your human remains: Burial, cremation, or transmogrification? 

With overcrowded cemeteries, space is at a premium, and grave plots can run in the tens of thousands of dollars.  If you opt for cremation, who knows if the ashes your relatives get back are even yours (what if a Republican is mixed in?).  In light of these drawbacks, why not consider transmogrification?  Technology has advanced greatly in recent years, and client souls are successfully reincarnated into their chosen bodily forms 98.7% of the time.

Many people are curious about the soul extraction and embodiment methods we use.  But as we are sure you understand, the technology is proprietary.  Rest assured however that we will treat your human remains in a respectful and hygienic manner.

Other people ask why we don't offer the option of transmogrifying into another human being.  This is because we have found that removed souls refuse to be incarnated back into human form, because people suckand we don’t mean that in the sexy way.

Once you have made the important decision to transmogrify, you must choose what animal to become.  If you are a personage of class, refinement, and erudition (and sizable bank account), you may elect to return as an animal befitting your station in life, like a sleek jaguar, majestic bald eagle, or great white shark.  If you are a broke-ass motherfucker, you may have to become a cockroach or a dirty city pigeon.  Either way, it’s better than being a human.  And you can hold your head high—or wave your antennae proudly in the air—knowing that you are no longer a piece of shit human being destroying the delicate balance of the ecosystem.

Recycling is good for the environment.  Recycle your soul with us.

Brought to you by TCTEMPTBPITNL (the coalition to encourage more people to become parrots in their next lifetime).

Friday, July 15, 2011

Hmmm, I wonder if I could get a patent for this...

New product idea:

The Suffering Scanner will function much like one of those security scanners at the airport. You remove your soul and put it in a plastic bin on the conveyor belt, where it travels through a mysterious box that scans the contents. When the soul plops out on the other side, you retrieve it, shake off the debris of other sufferers it accumulated while inside the machine, and put it back in your body, a bit askew but no worse for the wear.

Only, instead of scanning for guns and knives and nail clippers, this scanner evaluates the level of suffering your soul has endured, and then gives you a printout of your total suffering points, with subtotals by category and a grand total.

These print-outs could become exchangeable commodities analogous to business cards in certain settings, such as group therapy sessions, speed dating events, and political conventions.

I envision job applications as well: for example, postal workers could automatically be given vacation days when they reached a dangerous level of suffering.

One of the most refreshing uses: People's recreational whining could be disregarded when it wasn't justified by provable suffering. You can tell for certain whether that co-worker is truly an unfortunate soul who needs a sympathetic ear, or a drama queen whom you can safely avoid without guilt.

I still have a few details to work out. Should the scan results be relative to others' suffering -- graded on a curve, if you will -- or determined on an absolute scale? If an entire community experiences suffering related to, say, natural disaster, should everyone's scores rise, or should that level of suffering be considered normal for that community, and remain steady?

Should the print-out show number of instances of suffering? Percent of time spent suffering? Degree of suffering? All three? Should the degree of suffering, if listed, be on a logarithmic or an equal scale?

In order to improve my prototype, I need a good sample of souls to work with. Anyone who would like to help, please send your soul to me by overnight UPS. I can't guarantee when it will be returned, so people who aren't actively using theirs, like my exes (especially James), are most encouraged to participate.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Valiant Officer Heroically Defends Self Against Local Youth Gang

Officer Dick Hardison, a respected 2-month veteran of the Seattle police force, came upon a gang of youth engaging in suspicious activities in a local schoolyard at noon on Thursday.  The youth were running around the schoolyard in a frenetic manner, which Hardison describes as "wilding", or a possible gang initiation ceremony. Hardison witnessed one youth chase and assault another youth, yelling "you're it!", followed by the assaulted youth in turn chasing other youths. Officer Hardison also reports that they were wearing gang colors, such as red, blue, yellow, orange, and green.  Hardison, who had just finished a shift and was driving home in an unmarked car and wearing plain clothes, witnessed these activities from the street as he was driving by, pulled his vehicle to the side of the road and gestured to the apparent gang leader to come to his car.

Copyright 2012 Erich Seifert
The leader failed to comply with Hardison's instructions.  Additionally, another member of the gang gestured towards officer Hardison with an elongated cylindrical object (later identified by ballistic experts as a "Pez dispenser") which the officer took to be a gun.  The youth did not immediately comply when Hardison instructed him to "relinquish your ordnance".  Hardison averted what he took to be a grave threat to his person by firing twelve rounds on the gang. Two youths were killed immediately, and four were wounded, with one later dying.

Chief of Police Bobby Harrier defended Hardison's actions, saying that the youth had failed to show proper respect for an officer of the peace.  He added, however, that Hardison would be sent for remedial firearms training, to improve his shooting accuracy. "'One shot, one hit' is our motto," said Harrier.

Ms. Celeste Carpenter, kindergarten teacher at Highland Park Elementary School, who lost 2 students in the incident, commented to the press that "words like 'relinquish' and 'ordnance' aren't in the vocabulary of most 5 and 6 year olds".  She also said that she teaches her students never to get into the cars of strangers.  Chief Harrier responded to these statements by calling Mrs. Carpenter a "commie" and demanding that the school board immediately terminate her. 

Highland Park parents are divided in their opinions of the incident.  Some side with Ms. Carpenter. But Brenda Lipschitz, mother of a Highland Park first-grader and spokeswoman for the Society Honoring the Ever-Expanding Power of Law Enforcement (SHEEPLE), captured the sentiment of some parents when she stated: "We haven't seen a single pair of elbows on the table since last Thursday. It's hard to argue with results like that." Timmy Lipschitz was unavailable for comment, as he no longer speaks.

Officer Hardison was given paid leave while the police department investigated the incident, but has already been cleared to return to work.  He will be decorated for valor in a ceremony on Tuesday, the same day as the funeral for Samuel Waters, 5, the reputed gang leader.

More shining examples:
  • of the honorable
  • and valiant
  • Seattle police force
  • (with emphasis on the word 'FORCE'!)  The "Cinerama slam" is now routinely taught to new Seattle police officers, as an appropriate way to arrest suspects who have stopped running and put their hands up in surrender.  Officers are also taught that after utilizing the slam, it's a good idea to drag the suspect around on the pavement for a while, to ensure that the spinal cord injury "sticks".