Friday, May 20, 2011

The Business of Doing Business

3-day conference: June 1-3, 2011

Location: overly-air-conditioned generic hotel in second-rate US city where when you look out the windows, you see blue skies, sparkling water and tree-lined avenues but it doesn't really matter because you won't have time to go outside

$999 Early Registration / $1299 at the door / $1599 on your fudged expense sheet

Learn how to:

  • Maximize the efficiency of your workflow
  • Leverage scales of economy to accrue buy-in from key stakeholders
  • Adopt the best practices of market leaders, monetizing your existing knowledge assets, targeting actionable items and reducing time-to-market
  • Utilize your team's core competencies to provide robust, out-of-the-box, scalable solutions to mission critical challenges, resulting in a take-home message of cautious optimism
  • Extend the branches of your decision trees so you can gather more low-hanging fruit from them

NEW! This year, a number of seminars will be held in English rather than business-speak. These include:

  • How to make meetings drag on for hours so that you don't have to go back to your desk and do actual work (Formerly titled: Dynamic Consensus-building in Group Settings)
  • How to dress just slightly less nicely than those whose ass you need to kiss, making them feel superior while not viewing you as totally unfashionable
  • How to strategically claim credit for projects that are about to succeed
  • How to regain your self-esteem after the company geek fixes the computer problem that's been perplexing you all day simply by turning Caps Lock off
  • How to determine which department has the best snack machines, and then have your desk moved there

With special break-out groups for...

Human Resources staff: How to kill three Equal Opportunity birds with one stone by hiring a disabled black female and featuring her prominently on the company web site and in the Annual Report to shareholders.

Project Leaders: How to use flow charts and PowerPoint presentations to convince executives that your inferiors are responsible for the project's failure

CFOs: How to donate .001% of your company's profits to charity, while spending 500 times that on ads notifying the public of your generosity

Call Center Managers: How to determine and implement the longest on-hold-time customers will tolerate before hanging up in frustration and choosing a different company for their product or service (Formerly titled: A schematic white paper on telephonic customer service efficiencies)

Office Drones: How to accept your place as an inadequately-oiled cog in the groaning machinery of capitalist society (Note: as of 5/20/2011, all seating for this seminar is reserved. Standing room only!)


  1. Now the rat-race is on and here comes pride in the backstretch. Heartaches goin' to the inside. My tears are holdin' back. They're tryin' not to fall. Wonderin' what 500 gallons of petrol would do inside the cube farm, when nobody else is around...

  2. Thanks for the comment, Edgar. Your blog rocks. I hope all is well with you.