Friday, May 6, 2011

Nontraditional Marriage Vows, Part I

Many people these days find traditional marriage vows sexist, overly religious, impersonal, or passé.  It's become increasingly popular for brides and grooms to write their own custom vows instead.  But writing your own vows can be time-consuming, andlet's face itmany people simply aren't very good writers.  

Below are some updated vows that better apply to the situations many modern couples find themselves in. Readers may use them free of charge; consider it NestFeather's gift to you for your patronage.

Traditional Catholic Vows:

Groom: I, ____, take you, ____, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. Bride: I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.


Junkie Vows:

Groom: I, ____,  take you, ____, to be my shoot-up partner.  I promise to be true to you except when I need my next fix (then, all bets are off).  I will tolerate you and wish I could get someone hotter all the days of my life.  

Bride: I, ____, take you, ____, for my awful husband, to shiver and puke with, from this day forward, in times when horse is plentiful and in times when the most reliable dealer has been jailed and not much is available out there, when we steal some rich guy’s wallet and when we only have begged change, in sickness and in even more sickness, til overdose do us part.


Vows for Dysfunctional Couples:

Groom: I, ____, take you, ____, to be my ball and chain. I promise to alternately love you and hate you, with no way you can predict what my feelings will be at any given moment, in good times when I forget what a cunt you are, and in bad times when you can't stop complaining until I want to bash your head in so you'll shut up, in sickness which you will constantly remind me I have caused, and in health, as though I could ever be healthy with you dragging me down. Even though I know I'll never hear a word of thanks for it, I will love you and honor you all the days of my life, except when you remind me of my mother, or when something good is on tv, or if I simply don't feel like it. 

Bride: I, ____, take you, ____, for my lawful husband, to cling to like white on rice, and to blame for everything that's wrong in my life, from this day forward, for better, for worse (though I know it's usually going to be for the worse; I should have gone out with that neurosurgeon when he asked me, my life would be so much better), for richer, for poorer (though I know it's going to be for poorer, because you're so lazy and unresourceful), in sickness and in health (you know my health has never been that good; why do you continue to stress me out the way you do?), until we can't stand it anymore and it all ends in a murder/suicide.



Vows for Homosexual Couples:

I, ____, would take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife), if I legally had that option. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will discreetly love you and tastefully and unostentatiously honor you all the days of my life, so that most of our coworkers and family members don't suspect a thing--except for those we've cautiously decided might be safe to tell. When we're around them, I might occasionally  give you a peck on the cheek, or a brief hand-hold, making sure to back off if I seem to be making anyone uncomfortable.  

I, ____, would take you, ____, for my lawful (husband/wife), if I could do so; to briefly meet your eyes across a crowded room when we're out in public together, from this day forward, in states with somewhat less draconion laws and in states where the legislators make Deliverance characters seem friendly, when the cursed Republicans are in office and when the Democrats are in office and don't in fact prove to be much better for gay rights, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.  And when death do us part, I promise to hold vigil in the lobby of the hospital when the medical personnel refuse to let me into your room to see you, while your asshole family with whom you aren't close at all gets to make all the decisions regarding your care and the final disposition of your body. 

3 comments:

  1. Vows for Republican Political Couples:

    I, ____, would take you, ____, to be my dutiful wife. I promise to steal as much money as possible without being indicted. Our children will be ugly, but rich. I promise to pretend we have a wonderful marriage while in front of the cameras. I will provide money for you to redecorate the house in the Hamptons, as well as the beach bungalow in North Carolina.

    I, ____, would take you, ____, for my law writing husband. I will never divorce you and will stand by you even when you are caught having anonymous sex in airport restrooms. There will be drunken orgies and multiple mistresses, I accept that. I will dutifully go with you on every campaign trail and defend you through all public scandals and personal humiliations as long as you leave it all to me when you die.

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