Friday, April 1, 2011

New Epidemic Sweeps Country

It started out subtly: A decrease in maternal attendance at middle school soccer games. A few mysteriously empty shelves in supermarket cleaning aisles.

Then, things started really getting out of hand: Formerly well-groomed women began appearing in public with accessories that clashed with their outfits. They were less available to serve heavily processed snack foods laden with preservatives to their children after school. They were more frequently seen furtively ducking into bathrooms and linen closets.

And the most telling sign of all: Car detailing services report that they have seen a 300% increase in the last year in client requests to remove chemical spills from minivan upholstery.

The American public can no longer afford to ignore the burgeoning epidemic of Febreze huffing (known as "fuffing").

Fuffers come from all walks of life, but are predominantly middle class, middle aged women whose rage, formerly safely channeled into vigorous house cleaning, is now threatening to froth over and drown their families and communities in a pleasant-smelling chemical flood. What were formerly termed "soccer moms" are increasingly being referred to as "motherfuffers".

Signs of fuffing include:
  • Suspicious pastel staining around the mouth and nose 
  • Breath that smells strongly of chemicals 
  • Increased attendance at "special" Tupperware parties 
  • Overly-vigorous cleaning that damages furniture and upholstery. 
  • Adding the prefix "Fe" to words that begin with "b" Rage that seems inappropriate to the situation

Watch for the warning signs in your significant other, friends, relatives, coworkers, and female pets.

Law enforcement officers advise that you should not directly confront a person you suspect of fuffing, as they may be dangerous. Instead, report the suspected fuffer to your nearest donut shop or other law enforcement agency. 


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